Validation – How to better manage tantrums
by Verena del Valle
Validation – How to better manage tantrums
by Verena del Valle
Children go through different phases, important phases for their motor, cognitive and socio-affective development. The “NO phase” usually begins around age two. It is during this phase that children become aware of their existence and their influence on others. It is when he begins to show us what he wants and desires clearly. Until then he accepted (roughly) everything he was told and did, but now he begins to look for that autonomy so necessary for development.
“We adults often forget how difficult it is for a young child to reconcile what he/she wants and the rules of living together.”
At the same time, he discovers another reality: it does not always rain as he likes and there is something, not very evident, to learn: the rules. We adults often forget how difficult it is for a young child to reconcile what he wants and the rules of living together. If a child sees a piece of chocolate and wants to eat it, he will find it difficult to understand that he cannot eat it at that moment, even if he is told that perhaps later. This is where the importance of the accompaniment that we parents provide comes in, very often, automatically: we will explain to our child that we are not going to eat that piece of chocolate now but later, at snack time. It is in the child’s nature to want the piece of chocolate right now, and it is the parent’s role to tell him/her that we do not eat that chocolate between meals but as a snack.
The two positions are incompatible and that’s where sometimes things get complicated and tantrums appear (which are completely normal, although sometimes they turn into super tantrums). Why do I explain all this to you? Basically because I want to get to two very important points: validation and framing.
2. Validation and framing
Validation is the fact of confirming what the child is feeling at that moment, his need (in the example: eating the chocolate at that very moment).
Framing is the explanation that would come from the adult as to why eating the chocolate is not possible at that moment.
On many occasions, especially when fatigue begins to be felt, we tend to go directly to say why it is not possible to eat the chocolate (framing phase), skipping the validation phase and that is where THE CRISIS in capital letters begins. The child, not feeling that the adult understands him, enters into his/her automatic pilot mode: “I want that chocolate, I want that chocolate, I want that chocolate” and there is no way to make him/her see reason… and his voice goes up…
I began by talking about the younger children, but I’m sure you’ve also seen it in the older ones… 😉 Now we can go around saying anything we want that doesn’t listen to us and the child is more and more tenacious. And that is where many parents end up giving in to what the child asks for and the dynamic of “I insist, I cry, I scream and in the end I get what I want” is perpetuated.
“To connect with the child we must first be able to validate his physical and emotional needs.”
3. Validating and framing regarding children in the hospital
To connect with the child we need to be able to validate their physical and emotional needs. We will achieve this through knowing their reality, a very good way to know what their needs are is through play. Through play, we can more easily connect with the child, we enter their world and thus we can better detect their needs and their center of interest. Once we connect with the child, we can more easily explain to him/her (using for example a doctor’s bag and some dolls), for example, why some children have to go to the hospital for an operation… This will be the way to transmit sensitive information so that the child receives it in the best conditions: a child who feels understood will be more open to listen, especially if he or she also receives information adapted to his or her reality (cognitive age, preference for learning information with visual and auditory support…). Once their needs and concerns have been validated, the framework will allow us to transmit in a clear but empathic way what would become “the rules of the game”/ “the rules of the medical event”. We will get the frame with messages like “your job will be… mommy’s job will be… nurse’s job will be…”(Know more about “Your job”). It’s important to focus on what the child’s experience will be (The 5 senses rule)
